The Eve of New Beginnings

Have you ever opened your mouth and your brains have fallen out?  That’s what happened to me back in 2003 when I announced to my family and friends that I was embarking on a solo trip around the world!  Having stated this with great confidence and clarity, I then gave my boss two months notice, refinanced my house, found a tenant and a home for my cat!  At the time, it all seemed like a good idea.  A great idea in fact!

For those of you who are familiar with Antony Robbins six core needs (see previous blog entry) this decision met my need for variety, growth and significance.  I was going off on an adventure! I was going to learn so much of what was beyond my comfort zone.  And I was going by my brave little self – how cool was I!  I won the admiration of those around me.  I felt excited and exhilarated.  The spark had been lit and I knew that this decision was going to change my life.  You see, that’s the thing with coming out of your comfort zone, stuff changes and growth is inevitable.  You can’t not know, what you now know!

As with all good ideas, they are only as good as the action that follows them.  I now had to follow through.  And isn’t it curious how, when a good idea springs to mind, it is often as a result of our comfort zone becoming stale and unsatisfactory.  And yet, when it comes to the action part, our comfort zone suddenly looks quite appealing and we wish we had never opened our mouth.

So, with my brains well and truly all over the floor, a tenant in my home, a few thousand pounds in the bank and the eyes of my family and friends upon me, it was time to take action and the only thing in the way, was me.  And I was scared witless.  Excitement had turned to fear, the spark was now masquerading as anxiety and I risked looking like a right plonker if I didn’t follow through.  I managed to stall leaving for four months with several ‘must attends’, and ‘must do’s before I go’ to fill in the time.

Then the What-if’s started.  I was leaving my life in England during the most stable and secure phase I had known.  Was I mad? What would I do when I got back?  What if I could never find a stable job again?  What if I could never afford the new and increased mortgage on my house without renting it?  What if something happened to my family whilst I was away?  What if something happened to me whilst I was away?  What if my cat didn’t recognise me upon my return?

For one day, I allowed myself the comparative luxury of my comfort zone.  I gave myself 24 hours to live with the decision of not going on my big adventure. In doing so, I assumed I would be giving myself the day off from fear and rising levels of anxiety.  But a strange thing happened – the anxiety didn’t disappear.  In fact, it felt worse!  I put this down to one of two things; either, I had labelled my current state as anxiety, when in fact it was still exhilaration (the two have the same biological response) or the anxiety of staying was worse than going!  Whichever it was, I booked my ticket the very next day.

Giving myself the day off from what wasn’t the problem (staying), I was able to answer the issues of what was the problem (going)  It was because I was in the most stable and secure phase in my life that I had been able to make the decision.  Who I would be at the end of my adventure could only ever shape my future with richness and vitality.  There was every possibility that, upon my return, I would chose to live elsewhere anyway.  Wherever I was in the world, I was only ever a maximum of 24 hours away.  I had plenty of reference points of survival in my past to know how to stay safe. As for my cat, well, that’s the thing about cats, they don’t give a stuff about anyone anyway.

I was a mess the week before my 9.30pm Virgin Atlantic flight from London Heathrow to ‘New’ Delhi.  Anxiety or exhilaration, my brain and body needed this fight or flight nonsense to be over.  I caught my plane to New Delhi on Oct 2^nd, 2003.  I arrived at 11am local time, to unimaginable heat and incomprehensible chaos.  Every trick I had been cautioned on in my Rough Guide to India, happened within 30 minutes of me stumbling through the arrivals terminal.  If I had labelled my feelings as anxiety, whilst in the comfort of my Mum’s home, enjoying never ending cups of tea and chocolate digestive biscuits, then I was now absolutely having my need for growth met, (be careful what you wish for) as I experienced and handled a level of being within myself that had, thankfully, not been tested for 37 years.  But that’s another story……

Have you ever come to the end of a chapter in your life where a part of you felt incredible excitement at the possibilities of change, of adventure, of a new beginning?  As the time grew near to take the leap from the known to the unknown, what did you do?  Did you allow your fear to consume the clarity of your truth? Did you peruse your dream even though your fear existed in the same place?  I love to hear from you!

For a life gifted twice

And in honour of bubbles, botox and red velvet gloves

Jacqui Lane

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